FEAR. the beginning and end.

question.
is it ok to admit fear?
is it ok to be afraid?
to say, crap, im scared.
2 timothy 1:7.for God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.
but is it ok as christians to admit some form of fear.
because im not going to be super-spiritual and say im not afraid of anything
because im freaked out
soon im moving from the wonderful state of florida, to to the beautiful state of maryland
i will leave my friends and family and impart on a journey into the phase of manhood
and let me tell you
im freaking out about it
and like i said, im not going to be super-spiritual and say im not afraid, cause like i said; i am.
im walking out of the comforts of home and into the land of responsibility, the mountains of paying your bills on time, the valleys of landlords and neighbors, the skies of opportunities and failures.
ive spoiled myself with my parents hospitality
im not prepared for this
sits back, sighs, rubs his head, puts hands on head, prays, "God help me"
this adulthood, oh the woes of it all
why cant life be a little bit easier?
a friend of mine said, "The condition for a miracle is difficulty... the condition for a great miracle is impossibility!"
how true it is
my fear is the unknown
not knowing what is to come, to have a huge amount of change just appear before you
what scares me is not having a handle on the situation
i play it off easy at times
i might look like a lax gentlemen, but i like to have somewhat structure
i do live in where ever the wind blows moment, but i feel comfortable with a plan
.....the condition for a miracle is difficulty
why did he say that?
im in need of a miracle here, so why does the condition for this miracle have to be a difficult pill to swallow?
......the condition for a great miracle is impossibility.
hes such a jerk im serious
but this is what life is
or what its supposed to be, no smooth plains, but bumpy roads
life is an uncomfortable couch to sit on, with a piece of metal piercing out of the cotton exterior, jabbing into your backside, your annoyed but you cant do anything about it because you have two people sitting at your right and your left, so your stuck there
with that still, peaceful, calm voice directing your steps, you find a cushion spike free, one person gets up, you adjust, freedom, comfort, thank you Jesus
you walk into some incredible moment wrapped in a bow given to you by God
the future is a gift given to us by God, thats why we call it the present
im sorry, that was beyond cheesy
i think christians over spiritualize alot of things
for instance, i think its ok to admit fear, rational or irrational
we can have fear, but we shouldnt be consumed by it
its ok to be afraid
mary was afraid when the angel appeared to her
and what did the messanger say?
fear not
there it is
God gets the glory
because in that fear, is where we seek God the most
because everything we do comes back to God getting the glory
i have to be afraid of this change coming
so that when i see that theres nothing to fret about, i can say, Lord you are amazing
we can let the fear alter our state of being, or adjust our eyes and praise the God who watches our every step
psalm 23:2.He makes me lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside the still waters.
that verse is referring to someone who is in full submission to God
so if Hes making me lie down in green pastures, and leading me beside still waters, all referencing places of comfort, why should we/i be afraid than?
its ok to be afraid of the unknown, but when your holding the hand of the creator of the unknown, its gonna be ok
dont worry
breath
check your pulse
your fine

awake, you who sleep, arise from the dead, and Christ will give you light

so my fast is over.
it was good.
real good.
like i had no desire nor did i miss the tv/internet
it was awesome

the whole purpose for the fast was to envelop a revolution of Gods word in my life
it was to birth a desire to pray and seek the throne room
to much do we make excuses for not training ourselves in a lifestyle that is modeled after Christ
sadly, i was the worst offender

i know that i am (trying to say this humbly) a spiritual person
ive been mentored by some amazing men and women of God
but there are somethings teachers cant teach
somethings which i have to mold myself into
an endtime warrior, a zealot towards the causes of justice, but most important, broken.

perfumed with His presence, and filled with His fire

God is the sculptor and we are the clay
but times are called when i have to use my own hands and mold myself into the image of Jesus
this is the form of spiritual adulthood
to drink the milk, but to eat the meat aswell
this is the thing they dont teach in sunday school
pass the stories of noah, and moses
it goes deeper
the rabbit hole takes you into another world as alice found out
thats why i admire muslim children
because there not taught history lessons of there faith
there taught to die for it
im not blaming my sunday school teachers
im blaming americana christianity
the bastard thats taken an income off of Jesus
the whore of 501(c)(3) non-profit organizations

cultivation
repetitiveness
habit
this week was time developing a habit
its horrible thing to do
to make a habit of spiritual training
this should of been done long ago
but laziness is a devil

proverbs 19:15.laziness casts one into deep sleep, and an idle person will suffer hunger
hungry and asleep
or you can say
apathetic and tolerate
i let my surroundings surround me
to the point of just looking the other way
apathetic and tolerate
you can say
pathetic and hypocritical
i made a mockery of the cross
of what it means
of what it is
and of what He did

this week was a week of regeneration
to let the lion the roar inside of me
to tremble in fear
and to be prepared for war

in the movie prince caspian
when aslan roared
nature woke up
after hundreds of years of slumber
they awoke
when the telemarianes invaded narnia they battled with the narnians
and they drove them into isolation and hiding
and the once alive creation muted themselves
the trees no longered danced
the animals no longered were sought as friends
once aslan returned
and he let out his mighty roar
the trees became alive and the waters awoke

that was my intentions of this week
my church had its annual summer camp and it was an intense time in the presence of God
words were spoken that pierced my spirit
worship was played that took me into realms
and i had no distractions that could of caused me to look otherwise
if i didnt worked i was in my room
seeking God through his spoken word

the seed was planted
the water was poured
the season went
and what became of it is transformation
2 corinthians3.18. and we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.
His likeness is our desire
His ever-increasing glory is how we get there
and i want to be there

revelations 22.17.the Spirit and the bride say, "Come!" And let him who hears say, "Come!" Whoever is thirsty, let him come; and whoever wishes, let him take the free gift of the water of life.

slowly fasting.quickly growing.giant leaping.

im going to do a week long media fast. starting now. baby steps. i just gotta see whats real to me.

if your my friend on twitter/facebook/plurk
that is my latest entry. and for the next week. my last.

im doing a 'media' fast, which includes the following.
tv.
internet.
two things i dont waste hours and hours on.
maybe tv.
and the occasionally lurk/wikipedia for a few hours.
im horrible.

im doing a media fast because ive tried to do a food fast and failed. as in the same day.

baby steps.

thats what i heard God say to me.
its ok to take baby steps.
it doesnt mean im spiritually an adolescence
it means i actually want to devote myself to the word and prayer completely for one week

what is fasting?
one definition explains it as a period of such abstention or self-denial.

i mean ive done a food fast before, in bible college. i can do it. i can.
is it just that im weak?
my will isn't strong enough and i give in easy.
do i give into temptation easier than i should.
am i weak?


well yes. yes i am weak.
but its ok to admit weakness though i think.
as christians we have to say we're not weak, we're more than conqurers!!
we are mighty warriors!!!!
people get shunned if they admit weakness.
you get looked at wierd if you repent your sins.
"we are all covered in the pure spotless blood of the lamb we cant go show our weakness around, the enemy will come and pounce, we cant admit our failures.
thats not what Jesus would like to see happen, His death will not go in vain!!!"

but push it all aside. the doctrince. the spirit. the church.
because at this moment, here.
im weak. im not strong, and i need help.
is this fast going to help me??
than why would i participate in a period of such abstention or self-denial.
because in admitting my weakness, Gods grace comes, and in Him is where i get my strength.
because thats what Jesus is
a substance which i dont have to come pure and holy to lay at His feet and weap.
i get to come to Him, and He makes me pure and holy, there, laying at His feet weaping.
Jesus was having dinner with simeon the chief pharrisee and a woman who was known as a "sinner" came in and wept at the feet of Jesus.
there she felt grace.
she was granted mercy and her sins was forgiven.

my definition of fasting is when our phyical body submits to our spirtual body and thus engaging in a transformation that is righteouss and holy.
baby steps.
am i getting baby steps righteousness and baby steps holiness?
no
becuase what i put into this thing is what i will get out of it.

in bible college i fasted for like two months once, and i didn't pray, nor hardly read my word (outside what was assigned for school) i really didnt submit my physical to my spirtual.
the only thing that happened to me was i lost some weight.
my spirit man didnt grow.

this fast will envolve a desire for growth.
i want something.
i need something.
and the only answers come from yahweh.

i see this ball in my stomach, and its growing, and it wants to burst, and i want to scream, and i cant because im scared, and i feel ashamed if i let it go, so i contain it.
only giving it the right time to let it grow, but quickly holding on to it, quenching it. killing it.

i cant keep holding it anymore, my deep is calling out to His deep, and for this time i need to let it loose.
to fly.
to grow.
i need to explore more deeply the reality of God.
baby steps? giant leaps.
i need to smell God, to taste, to see



thank you.